Originally posted here on 02/01/2018. It's unedited.
I’m still not sure whether to classify it as a problem, or a blessing. But no matter which way I spin it — I like my life to be efficient. I do things quickly and I try to pack in a lot into a day. I optimise everything.
Chores don’t stand a chance against the regime. When I clean my apartment, I whirlwind around, completing more than one task at a time. I’ll have multiple things in my hands that belong in different parts of my small home — even whilst I’m on the way to the kitchen to turn off the heat so the rice doesn’t overcook.
Theoretically, this means I should be earning myself plenty of extra leisure time, right?
But as one might be able to predict — I have trouble relaxing. I can’t sit still for very long, nor can I be happily idle. Put simply, I have zero chill.
Okay, I’m exaggerating a little bit.
But this efficiency, optimisation mindset does come at a cost. I really struggle to take enjoyment in everyday activities when I know they could be done better, faster, with less waste. Enough to subconsciously stress me out, until I make myself be present and aware of what I’m feeling. It only takes a moment, but I’ll catch myself and realise — “Hold on, this doesn’t actually matter. Remove the emotional investment.”
The thing is — I haven’t concluded yet whether I would like to change this or not. One benefit is that I get a lot done. I think I’m a fairly productive person, if you could come up with a universal metric and rank my productivity. But undoubtedly this is a result of the Lake Wobegon Effect — wherein most people think they are above average in pretty much any metric: attractiveness, scholastic ability, job performance.
So trying to optimise my life means I probably allow myself to get things done. Or, better put, I set the stage and provide myself the opportunity to do so. However, it’s hard to stave off the guilt when I’m sitting on the couch. “I should either be out climbing/cycling, or learning more javascript” — I tell myself.
And this could be a mistake. A lot of studies have shown that having unstructured play time is important for adults too. But I’m usually happiest when I have a project. Or several. Maybe my unstructured play time is being able to work on a project/solve a problem without having to consider any other factors. No office politics, no design meetings — just trying to solve the challenge in the coolest, cheapest* way possible.
I think it’s commonplace to equate relaxing with doing activities which don’t directly net any benefit. A lot of people relax by binge watching Netflix — I’m not completely innocent, I promise — or going out drinking with friends, but usually I’m just as drained after doing either of these things. I find that what most recharges my batteries is learning something new, trying to create something. And I’m certain I’m not alone in that. Just look at the number of javascript projects on GitHub. Most of the participants in the open source community already work full time jobs as developers. But for whatever reason or combination thereof, they spend most of their leisure time working on their side projects. And do you know why?
Humans like having problems to solve. It’s in our nature. And if we don’t have any tangible problems to solve, like finding food or shelter, we create our own! And a key component to being happy, is choosing the right set of problems to invest your time and energy into. There’s a great book, called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson that touches on this very concept.
I know it’s okay to take a break. Well, at least I’m cognisant of this. Whether I implement it is a whole other story.
I’m off to bed now. That counts as productive, right?
(*): I’m going to touch on this topic in another post in the coming weeks, but I’m frugal and proud of it. A lot of fun experiences in my life have come from adopting this mindset. Numerous ludicrous couch-surfing experiences, hitchhiking with a bicycle across Europe, and turning my car into a campervan (ish) for under $100. And these projects have made me immensely, immeasurably happy.